Building Healthy Boundaries
Part of our Real Chemistry series – connection, wellbeing and chemsex recovery.
This page introduces information about taking the first steps to Building Healthy Boundaries, to support any changes you have made around your chem use, as well as protecting your wellbeing and mental health. After you have read through the information, and reflected on the themes that resonate with you, there are some exercises for you to work through. You may find it helpful to have a notebook to use as you work through the exercises, or you could use the function on a phone or tablet.
What is a Boundary?
Put simply, a Boundary is:
A dividing line, between you and another person, or group of people.
Boundaries can often refer to relationships, to your work, and they may need to be implemented to ensure you can focus on your general wellbeing & mental health.
It’s fair to say that for some of us, engaging in chem use and chemsex probably meant that boundaries you may have had in place, may have been crossed, or dissolved in some way. For others, the concept of boundaries may be a new theme and topic to focus on, and an exploration into the necessity of boundaries will help to ensure you can keep yourself safe in the future.
Quotes about Boundaries
“It’s necessary and even vital to set standards and boundaries for your interactions in life, especially with the people you allow in”.
“If someone throws a fit because you set boundaries, then it's more evidence the boundary is in fact needed”.
How do these quotes resonate with you? What do they make you think & feel?
Themes to Reflect on in terms of Boundaries
Tale some time to reflect of the following themes & questions regarding boundaries
What do boundaries mean to you? How does the term resonate with you? Can you identify any boundaries you have in your life? If so, how do they work for you?
What is the positive impact of having these boundaries? Are boundaries easy for you to implement or do you find it difficult to put boundaries in place?
How were your boundaries impacted by your chem use, or engagement with chemsex? What steps have you taken to reinforce previous boundaries to ensure you continue to support your well being and mental health?
Some Simple Facts about Boundaries
Fact 1: We learn about Boundaries in our early experiences of relationships i.e. family, first partner etc, and this sets our expectations about what we are willing to & not willing to experience from others..
Fact 2: Boundaries are not something that you can physically see, so they need to be communicated in an explicit way. EXAMPLE ‘I’ve been working really hard, and need some downtime so we won’t speak to today, I’ll call you tomorrow’.
Fact 3: Having Boundaries keeps us safe from emotional, and physical harm.
Fact 4: To have Boundaries means that we know what we are willing to experience from others, and how we feel comfortable interacting either socially or one to one..
Fact 5: Implementing Boundaries can sometimes be uncomfortable to begin with, especially introducing them into a pre-existing relationship.
Take some time to think about these facts, and if helpful then reflect on what steps you might want to take to implement some of the themes.
Different Types of Boundaries
Rigid: You may have rigid boundaries if you avoid intimacy and close relationships. You tend to not ask for help, you sometimes seem detached, and you may distance yourself to avoid rejection.
Do you relate to this type of boundary? If so, then how? Is having these types of boundaries helpful, or unhelpful?
Porous or ‘soft’: You may have soft boundaries if you over-share personal information that may leave you feeling worried and unsafe. You may have difficulty saying ‘no’ to others, or you may get over-involved with other people's problems.
Do you relate to this type of boundary? If so, then how? Is having these types of boundaries helpful, or unhelpful?
Healthy: You may have healthy boundaries if you value your own opinion and don’t compromise your values for other people. You don’t overshare personal information, and you can accept the boundaries of others, as well as having the ability to say what you are willing to experience, and what you are not.
Do you relate to this type of boundary? If so, then how? Is having these types of boundaries helpful, or unhelpful?
Visual Exercise
Imagine a boundary like a garden wall
If the wall is too high, then there is no place for sharing, intimacy or developing healthy connection.
If there is no garden wall
...someone can step into your space, trample on your flowers, impact on your feelings, and make changes to your peace of mind.
So the right garden wall is one that…
..allows for mutual sharing, and healthy connection, while also protecting your peace of mind, and creating a space for communicating what you are willing to experience in a safe manner.
Reflecting on the 3 different types of Boundaries, can you identify which garden wall relates to either the Rigid, Soft & Healthy definitions?
Further Exercises
As well as reflecting on some of the questions & themes from above, take some time to reflect, and think about the following in terms of your close relationships:
What boundaries do you have in place with those who are close to you?
What about other individuals you interact with either socially or professionally?
How do these boundaries work for you? What is the positive impact on your wellbeing?
What about in terms of those around you who are still engaging in chem use? Do you need to adapt any boundaries you have to ensure you keep yourself safe?
